How I Cope with My Anxiety | My Thoughts, Tips and Reasons for Going off The Grid

I don’t always get super personal on here, but I do want to talk about anxiety not only because it’s just something I have severely struggled with since I was young, but also because it’s caused me to really neglect my site and my Instagram over the last 14 or so days. I typically am SUPER committed to the blog, so for me to feel like I just can’t deal with it, or being on Instagram or on my phone to do work is really out of character for me. I am extremely committed and pride myself on that, but when anxiety strikes, I’m the total opposite. I have this overwhelming guilt that I should be continuing to produce content and working, but the truth is I just don’t have it in me because my anxiety has gotten so bad recently.  

I never ever am okay with my anxiety getting the best of me, but sometimes it just does and it’s unavoidable. I have a lot of contributing factors: my job, my personal expectations for myself and why I haven’t met certain goals yet, money, my social life, maintaining my health and wellness, my relationships with every person in my life, and the pressure I put on myself to do my best to make a positive impact on peoples’ lives both through The Gilded Bellini and outside of the online world.  But they are not the sole reasons for my anxiety; my anxiety just IS and it has always been there. When I was younger, I used to make myself sick because I was worried about school and being perfect at everything I did. Again, that wasn’t the source of my anxiety but my anxiety really did contribute to me feeling stressed, depressed and without a lack of control of my own life.  

I recently was on Instagram the other day (when I felt I could handle it for literally only 5 minutes) and read on @anxietyhealer the difference between regular anxiety and anxiety disorders. After reading a side by side, compare/contrast of the two, it was just validation that I definitely do, and have always had an anxiety disorder. Here’s what I read… wondering if any of you guys can relate? Obviously, I am no doctor but I am just comparing my usual symptoms to what’s below.

ANXIETY VS. ANXIETY DISORDERS

ANXIETY: a normal reaction to stress or difficult times. 

ANXIETY DISORDERS: often comes out of nowhere 

ANXIETY: triggered by a specific stressor 

ANXIETY DISORDERS: intense disproportionate emotional response 

ANXIETY: has a start and an ending point 

ANXIETY DISORDERS: ongoing and lasts weeks or months 

ANXIETY: can be helpful or motivational 

ANXIETY DISORDERS: interferes with day-to-day life 

ANXIETY: lessens significantly or disappears away from stressful situations 

ANXIETY DISORDERS: physical symptoms like sweating, trembling, lightheadedness, racing heart 

ANXIETY: a response to toxic situations 

ANXIETY DISORDERS: feels impossible to control or manage

Until I read this, I didn’t know how to explain my anxiety to anyone who isn’t familiar with how severe it is. Everyone GETS anxiety, but if you’re like me, it doesn’t go away. It stays and it lives in me and makes me stuck. I feel paralyzed by it actually. I have just learned to live with it at this point, but it doesn’t get any easier. It’s a new strand of it every time it comes around. And that’s exactly it – it comes out of NOWHERE, even if I have had a string of great days, good luck and positive energy around me.

I wake up drenched in sweat, at random times I will have this sense of doom and fear looming over, I feel out of control and sometimes I just sit and do nothing because that’s literally all I am physically capable of doing. I get frequent heart pounding and always feel like my blood sugar is low even though I am constantly eating. Socializing or even responding to texts is a dreaded task. Normal situations are amplified for me; when something happens that’s upsetting but are not the end of the world, it feels that way for me and even if it’s been resolved for the most part, overthinking haunts me and the anxiety or PTSD from certain situations lingers and makes me become everything I despise: unmotivated, unconfident, defeated, undetermined, low energy, de-sensitized to any situation other than the one that I am currently in and basically any other positive word, but with an “un-“ attached to it. 

I know that soooooo many other people have this too, and this post is not just for people who have anxiety disorders; we ALL get anxiety. For me, just about anything can set me off into a downward spiral of never-ending anxiety that, like I shared above can last for days, weeks or months. 

I just wanted to explain that sometimes I HAVE to go off the grid because of it. Even though I have accepted that this happens to me frequently, it doesn’t change the fact that every time anxiety pays me a visit I feel disappointed in myself and like a failure because I am not meeting my own expectations. Sometimes even embarrassed that I process situations more intensely than a lot of other people. How can I be battling myself? I’m slapping myself on the wrist for not being motivated and staying committed to what I have created and maintained, but I just physically, mentally and emotionally can’t handle the commitment to it. 

I never let it get so bad that I’d call it quits or go M.I.A. for 2 months. I try to get myself together after a week or two and just get back into it. You have to keep yourself in check, otherwise you’ll never rise above it. 

In recent years, I’ve found effective ways to cope and just take the edge off.

METHODS THAT WORK FOR ME

CBD Oil – I typically take a dropper of Pure Bloom CBD Oil and I really do notice a difference. I feel so much calmer and like I can take on what I have in front of me. I never thought I would be a huge believer and supporter of CBD until I tried it for this reason, and I can honestly say I will continue to be a huge CBD advocate. Plus, Pure Bloom was the first CBD I ever tried! It’s safe and effective. I can take it during the day or right before I go to bed and I usually get a solid night’s sleep, which a lot of times I struggle with. 

Walks around 6:30 pm – Lighting permitted, for some reason I have become so addicted to taking walks around this time. The air is cooler, everything quiets down, little animals are out eating their dinner in the grass and it’s just so peaceful. This is something I have found really can calm me down at the end of the day. I have always been an avid barre and pilates goer, but there’s something as simple as walking around sunset time that gives me another layer of zen. 

Joel Osteen Podcast – I am not a super religious person, but his messages are so uplifting and reassuring. You don’t even have to be religious to listen, and you can interpret the purpose of each episode how you want it to. I have never listened to his podcast before and not instantly felt a little weight lifted off my shoulders. 

Getting lost in Barnes and Noble – I used to do this a lot in high school. Even if I don’t end up actually reading any books in their entirety, I get so excited to just be in silence and see what books are out there. I could literally spend HOURS in there and pick up a ton of different books and read one after the other. There’s something so soothing about just sitting on the floor in the corner of the store, smelling that Barnes and Noble smell and completely getting entirely invested in getting the mind to focus on something entirely different other than yourself. 

Getting out of the house — Even though being home is relaxing, I work from home 24/7 and a lot of times can actually cause my anxiety to be worse because I am in the same location for hours and days on end. Going anywhere from a coffee shop to the beach to just aimlessly walking around a Michael’s (lol, sometimes I do this) gets my mind off of the overwhelming feeling.

Hopefully some of these tips and this insight is helpful and/or comforting. I’d love to hear if you struggle with anxiety and what you do to cope with it on an every day basis. Thanks for hearing me out and taking the time to read! It’s not easy talking about personal things, but this is definitely something I think we can all relate to in some way shape or form. x

Living Life In the Public Eye | How My Life Has Changed Since the Launch of The Gilded Bellini

About 2.5 years ago, I launched The Gilded Bellini. I was so excited to create a brand and hone in on my unique niche and share it with the world. 

For most of my life, I was a very quiet and shy person with hopes that someday I'd grow out of feeling like I just wanted to blend in most of the time. Not saying I needed to be Kim Kardashian, but just a little self-confidence to be a bit more open with my life, my accomplishments, and the typical ups and downs without feeling like there was too much attention on me. I have definitely gotten through the hurtles of my awkward stages - that's not saying I'm still not awkward because I totally am. But since launching my site I knew I had to get rid of that fear and put what I am passionate about on display because it's the only way to get you and your brand known. 

Since becoming a bit of a "public figure" - which, I don't love that title per say because I'm not famous but it's true - I am someone who puts their life and their business out in the open - life is definitely not what it used to be. I get tons of emails at all times, whether it's for business or for people who are reaching out to me for recommendations or want to connect. It's definitely really flattering knowing that I can provide people with a source for not only entertainment, but a place where they can get information maybe they can't get anywhere else. People are genuinely interested in hearing my story and how I reached certain goals in life. They're fascinated by my move across country which is crazy because SO many people do it! I'm definitely not alone on that one.

I've been an entrepreneur at heart - from a young age I'd always come up with random ideas that potentially I had wanted to flourish into a "business" but I also wanted to put myself out there as well and create something that included all of my life: myself included. I've always also been the type that likes to be in front of a camera despite my fear of being the center of attention. When I was in 5th grade I created a video where I was hosting my own travel show on another planet. Growing up I was a competitive baton twirler and almost always had a big audience. Then in college, I despised public speaking and was scared of it, but to be honest I think I'm pretty good at it now. However, weirdly I get freaked about speaking in front of small groups, but not in front of really big ones. Is that normal? 

When launching in 2016, never would I have ever imagined even getting the chance to be on a major news network promoting The Gilded Bellini, or even getting Gordon Ramsay to know my name. But it happened! Since then, I still get emails from time to time about people inquiring about both of those two super important milestones in my career. 

Even when it comes to creating my brunch review videos, it takes a lot of confidence and also a lot of "cool, calm and collected" moments to put yourself on camera, not only having to be natural, but being aware that I'm putting myself on display for people to talk, make fun of, doubt and ridicule. But I got over that.

People are going to talk no matter what. And putting yourself out there on a digital, or even broadcast platform opens up a whole other level for people to judge, or even on a more positive note, support. I receive an overwhelming amount of encouraging words and uplifting support through people that I don't even really know that well but have followed along during this whole journey.

I don't really remember what life is like before being so public, in a mental sense. I lived a pretty normal life before TGB and I definitely still now, but let's just say my presence is a bit more amplified. Living life in the public eye has opened a lot of doors for me and has also thickened my skin that more, especially in one of the most crazy competitive cities in the world (LA) so I'm grateful and happy this is my path. Honestly couldn't see life any other way!

PS - how adorable is my LBD? Hands down COMFIEST and can be dressed up or down with heels or sneakers: The Too Good to Be True Mini. It's by my Ali & Jay fam. You all will probably be seeing it a million times in my photos because I'm that obsessed ;)

Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks for the support! It's not easy being so open to the world but with some great people by my side, you all make it worth it!

Photography by: Rebecca Gnasso

My Letter to New York City

You’ll probably think I’m crazy as you read this. But if you’ve lived there, I know you get it. When people ask me about how I feel about New York, I just can’t give them a direct answer. There’s no way to bottle up every unparalleled experience, heartache, high and low, excitement and just about every other thing I’ve felt in just a few sentences.

New York....

You're the kind of city that a person can romanticize. A person can a high just by seeing photos of your skyline or even getting the slightest glimpse at your intriguingly worn out streets. Even thinking about a life there is something that most people only dream about. Then, when a person actually lives where you are, they reach a totally different high. It’s really unexplainable. Probably one of my favorite feelings and experiences in the world. My best memories are the ones when I was living in your little concrete jungle. Along with some of my worst. But then when you live there for a while, you end up getting chewed up and spit out a bunch of times. You, meaning me. There's no other way to say it other than, New York: you lose your magic. So a person gets away for a while. But the further away the person is, the more they grow to love it again but in a different way, with a deeper and more complicated appreciation. But… yeah it’s not simple or straightforward. Once a person has lived in the city once in their life, they're not really who they were when they first moved to you, or when they first left you. You somehow evolve people, and you continue to have that effect on people even when a person doesn't live there anymore.  

I’ve been back a few times since I’ve moved across the country and you are always good to me and welcome me home in the most comforting ways... but, New York you're just not the city you  used to be - that’s for sure. I mean…you're the same but different. The energy is altered. The vibe is not what I totally desire anymore. There’s a whole new generation of people on the island. The streets are not as striking anymore. The food is the best as always, but nightlife is drastically disappointing and underwhelming. Something is just off. I don't love change that much and I kind of wish you were still the same. What happened? Maybe I just got older and I’m jaded. That’s part of it. I’m definitely jaded. How could I possibly be jaded at 26 years old? Probably because I moved to the city when I was 18. I've done a lot and I've seen a lot. But I wouldn’t do anything differently.

I just got back from a trip to see you and I already miss you in a way that I could miss someone I love. I left with a little heart ache, but a comforting one because I know that you'll welcome me back home whenever.

This whole weird “NYC isn’t the same” thing has evoked a lot of thinking and emotion in me which isn’t something I ever really feel on an extreme level. I’ve been pretty good my entire young adult life of having a level head and keeping my emotions in check – in doing so, not really showing that I have any. It’s never been “me” to be outwardly vulnerable. It’s simple – not my style. But New York, I have always had a soft spot for you.

For the most part, I have pretty decent direction. I know mostly where I want to go and where I want to be. I have known from a young age, hence moving to New York, going to college and getting a "grown up job" and now ended up in LA. I've always known that this was my plan. I went through a lot when I was living in your neck of the woods, though.

From laughing till I cried with my best friends, to getting home at 4 am after a crazy night out, to growing up really fast and making my own adult decisions, to discovering all the things I loved, to experiencing the coolest restaurants and cultures and meeting influential people, to having an amazing college experience, to developing my sense of style, to going to random live shows with my friends (which by the way, really drew me to the music scene especially on the LES), to brunch (duh), to never having a dull moment. Sure, Sex and the City and Gossip Girl weren't real shows but there's a handful of story lines that I could swear aligned with mine and my friend's lives. I feel stupid writing this because there's actually no words to even explain all of the experiences that can never be replicated. Like.. there's just so many I don't even know where to start! I still pass those streets that these series of incredibly amazing and joyful memories happened and I smile. 

But I also cried a lot. And if you know me, I don't do it often. I cried about money, my terrible first job out of college (actually, cried at my desk at 10 pm alone in the office multiple times), my horrific roommate who up and left one night and texted me that I owed her cable money (lol) after I helped her as a good friend when she found out she was in a really bad situation. I had anxiety about the idiot guys I dated who randomly decided to never speak to me again. I once uncontrollably cried to the point where my eyes physically could not make any more tears when my (serious) boyfriend broke up with me in my apartment on Valentine's Day moments before we were going to go out. I can still remember sitting on my bed - I was all made up, so excited and in a matter of seconds had tears and makeup streaming down my face in straight horror. He had never seen me like that before. I felt lost and alone and I was wrong but I partially blamed how I felt on you, New York. I still pass those streets that these series of unfortunate events happened on and I kind of cringe. But it's ok because it's all over (yay!!) and I am so happy to be out of that stage in my life.

I have finally reached a stage where I am past the bittersweet feeling and onto indifference – which by the way is one of my favorite feelings ever. It’s comforting because I’ve moved on. Now I’ve reached feeling nostalgic (for most things). But that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing – it’s that I can experience you, New York in an entirely new way with a fresh perspective. Being away from you for chunks at a time has showed me what to appreciate when I am back.

P.S. you've made me pretty popular out here on the west coast. People always want to know about my life in New York. I wear my Yankees hat to hide from people when I'm having a bad hair day or I haven't slept at all and try to avoid all human contact. Ironically that's when the most people strike up a conversation with me. Wish I could say it was all me! But I can't help to smile with some NYC pride.

With that being said, New York, I knew then and I know now that I'd love you above anything else. Literally, when I was dating that freak, at "the end of the day" (The Hills reference) I laughed and was like - I'd choose New York any day over him!

New York, I love you and I dislike you. You're the reason I came, the reason I left and the reason why I miss you. You're the reason why I curse your name and the reason why I am who I am today. You're the reason I can go outside and spend $50 on air, basically but you're the reason I find beauty and inspiration in the most mundane things. You're the reason I am always running late getting to where I am going, but somehow you get me to arrive to my destination right on time. You were my teacher. You still annoy me when I'm back but I wouldn't trade a day with you for a day anywhere else. 

Does this all make sense? Hope so. I warned you this would be all over the place. I told you I don't ever get this personal, but you asked for this.

So, the age old question I get asked more often than not: Will I ever move back to NYC? Maybe. Ideally I’d like to be 100% bi-coastal, which is what I've wanted my whole life. I guess I can kind of say I’m half way there? Well, I’m working on it. At the end of the day I am really happy I moved out of you. I am a firm believer in not staying in one place too long. How can you ever truly evolve if you stay in one place your whole life? I’m not done with LA yet – there’s work to be done here. It's nice here. There's something for me here that I wasn't able to attain in New York. The time hasn’t come where I’ve grown out of it. But it’s comforting knowing that you, New York are always there and will always be my home. Thank you.

Until next time...

Photography by: Prêt-à-Provost

Why Your Perception of a Career in the Blogging and Digital World is Twisted

"What do you do?" is a question I get asked frequently, as I am sure a lot of people do. To put it simply, I am a creative professional in this new-age social and digital space. Still don't get it? I am a writer, creative director, blogger, host, producer, event producer, branding expert, and entrepreneur. 

Wait... what? No, I do not have a typical 9-5. I have about a 6 am to midnight, 7 days a week career. As someone in the creative industry, content producing doesn't have a time that you throw in the towel for the night. As the days change, so does what needs to be created. Think about it this way - in the entertainment industry, it's very similar. It falls under the creative career umbrella. Content creation is made for entertainment and that's what I do. 

There's a misconception that blogging is just taking pretty photos and posting them on social media and waiting on bated breath for likes. Sure, maybe that's what it is for some people who have a lot of time on their hands or consider it a hobby. But blogging for me surpasses that and has turned into a business venture. While quality imagery and video content is something I take seriously, it's important to know that one must blend creativity and business cohesively to create a brand with a well-known reputation, aesthetic, and one that can connect with an audience. I will say this plain and clear: not everyone has this ability. You need to have a business side and a creative side to your mind. 

I feel lucky that I am only 25 and have both corporate experience and creative, freelance experience under my belt because it is these experiences that have given me everything I need to know to start an entrepreneurial business venture on my own. When I began blogging, I knew that I didn't want it to stop at a website. As someone who has been kind of a psychotic perfectionist my whole life (which has its pros and cons) I knew I wanted to take The Gilded Bellini to multiple levels. As I mentioned before, everything that is done with this blog I do myself, with the help of some very talented digital professionals that help bring my vision to life (that I would be nowhere without... you know who you are!). I have complete control over the content I create, whether it's writing my script for my brunch videos, covering a restaurant, reviewing a product, doing a social media campaign, collaborating on a video with another influencer and so much more. 

On top of The Gilded Bellini side of my life, I have a career in celebrity charity event production. If you have any idea about the extensive work that goes into event production, then you know it takes up a LOT of time. To be honest, I don't really go out that much with friends and leave very little time for a social life. I haven't even been home in almost 2 years. It's because I put my work first. When I am not working at my office, I'm working on all things The Gilded Bellini - writing, filming, networking, meetings with publicists and brands... even simply brainstorming. It is a constant around the clock job. I'm working before work and after work. Well, I have three jobs you could say: event production, The Gilded Bellini and hosting. My life is a constant hustle. While you can probably rely on your cushy 9-5 job (which I used to do too, so I am speaking from experience!) the work I do won't produce a profit or results if I do not put in the CONSTANT WORK. 

I've been put down by "friends" and family members saying that I don't have a "real career" countless times. I laugh more often than not because they don't even have the slightest CLUE about what goes into brand building and being a professional in this new-age social and digital world. I am not always public about what goes on behind the scenes in my career. But, everything you see is a DIRECT reflection of the work I have put in to make a vision come to life. The only way it has been happening is through non-stop effort, work and persistence. You need a certain type of work ethic to do anything that involves pushing boundaries and limitations. You also need PATIENCE. This stuff does NOT happen overnight. 

If you come from a traditional background, the idea of not having a traditional, society-approved career may baffle you and you probably look down upon it. That's fine. But you should not criticize those who are taking career risks that you probably haven't had the opportunity to attain. And it's totally ok - some people are more business oriented. Some people are more laid-back. Some people are strictly creative with no real sense of how to turn a vision into business. As a professional in the digital space, I put myself out there at face value and subject myself to judgement. But I also subject myself to creating a positive and reassuring entertainment space for my audience. 

My whole life I have dreamed about a career in the the entertainment industry. One where I had creative freedom and could put the things I loved out into the world and connect with other people who felt the same. And that's exactly what I'm doing now, in a very non-conventional way. It started from when I was young, too. My mom was an actress when she was younger and she's always encouraged me to be brave, be persistent and be different. An opportunity might not be there again if you wait 5 minutes. Just like an actress that is constantly working to perfect her skills, go on auditions, land jobs and make a name for herself in her field, it really translates to my own career and my long-term goals.

People think that your job is your identity. While it does make up a large portion of who you are as a character, it's not YOU. I can't stand when people define you and THINK they know who you are based on your career. You are so much more than what you do. You're more than the surface level stuff, and you're for sure more than what you put out on social media. 

For a traditional entrepreneur, you must have the skills and persistence to create an original product and market it as a business venture. As an entrepreneur in 2017, you must do exactly that, but on a much larger scale because of how easily accessible your work is to be recognized. That's why it is so important to maintain branding. Some people don't know the first thing about how to properly brand something, or publicize it or market it or even be proud of it because they're embarrassed. It is difficult to explain to someone who does not fully understand this facet of someone who runs a non-traditional business, but I know that every entrepreneur would for sure appreciate if you tried and weren't so quick to judge.

Let's face it: the digital world is not going anywhere. It's the future. We are SO lucky to be living in a world, and even in a country where being able to express ourselves through content creation is ACCEPTED for the most part and not looked down upon. What I've learned is to never dim your light just because someone else looks down upon who you are or what you're doing for whatever personal reason because they've got nothing of their own to be proud of. I encourage EVERYONE to take risks, be brave and put yourself out there. Don't make excuses. Anything that's worth it to you takes work, and I know you know that. It takes sacrifice, and sometimes pursuing what you want means giving up quite a few things. But if it's for what you love, it won't feel like a chore. Maybe working 7 days a week or writing or being in front of the camera isn't for you. That's totally fine! But please... do your best to not be so judgmental and pigeonhole or limit someone of their capabilities and intelligence just because they are not doing what YOU do. I am speaking for a lot of people who I know have seen backlash or can't put in words how they really feel. 

To sum it up, I never thought that I would be working as hard as I do, ever in my life. I thought when I worked in public relations I was working hard... and I was. 14-hour days in Manhattan are no joke. But I wasn't living up to my capabilities or trying to be my best self. I was hindering my own creative abilities by doing everything that was expected of me and I wasn't breaking out of this glass box I was put in by society, friends and family members. I have a huge respect for people who are immersed in this digital age or on a creative career path with me, and even more of a respect for people that aren't, but are open to understanding and appreciating differences. Just because someone isn't working the job that you do, doesn't mean they're not working hard to pursue what they are passionate about.

Let's respect, collaborate, understand and listen... we will learn so much more from one another, and you may realize you want to explore a new side of you that you didn't know you wanted to before.

On that note, I'm off to work! Catch ya later Bellinis, and thanks for reading and for your support. Xoxo

Photography by Emma Lynn Cinema